My Executive Is Not Functioning
I wish executive dysfunction had some sort of physical manifestation so I could fire her. (Oh wait, it's me.)
I spent 7 hours in front of the computer screen yesterday…
…and got absolutely nothing done.
Never mind the fact that I was clicking and typing away. No no, that was a ruse. My brain was super busy hyper-focusing on something completely random for the entire day.
Sometimes I wish I still worked on a team so I could at least point the accusatory finger at another person…
But alas. It’s just me and my executive dysfunction. 👯♀️
I honestly didn’t know what executive dysfunction was—at least not the official term or definition—until last year. But boy, oh boy, am I an expert now.
Something that the millions of blog posts and guides online don’t always spell out is just how much this can keep you from doing the things that you love. Prime example: I love reading and yet can’t focus long enough to finish a book (I almost always start them but never finish).
So, who is this executive and when can we do a performance review?! (Quick answer: never.)
I posted on Notes yesterday with a mini revelation that I’ve had:
I think this really is the name of the game, at least for me.
My AuDHD brain is constantly teetering on the edge of a meltdown, always overstimulated by my own thoughts, to-do lists and messy surroundings, but completely incapable of following a system or routine for more than a week.
In my last official newsletter, I mentioned that there would be an obligatory AI conversation at some point here. It’s taken me awhile to wrap my head around it. The politics behind AI right now—ya know, the blatant theft, environmental impact, and the machiavellian CEOs?—all honestly give me the ick…
Nevertheless, automation is a godsend of an accessibility tool. Being able to dump stuff into a sequence instead of relying on my own willpower to complete critical tasks is truly a life-saver (literally).
With that in mind, I think my current stance is:
AI is just a potential accessibility tool for the neurodiverse or mentally ill, with some of the worst, over-promising marketing known to man (probably proportional to the infamous 2009 Shake Weight).
Getting ChatGPT to make a grocery list for you makes much more sense when you’ve got dyscalculia and creating effective budgets is a struggle for you. Having your local bot send an email when you’re battling depression or grief and can’t get out of bed also seems plausible. I’m not sure why people are using it to replace their girlfriends or write whole books, though…
But! I’m human and allowed to change my mind down the road (not on that last bit).
Doodle of the Week
I’m what some would call a “mood reader.” A fantastic book could honestly get a so-so review from me if I’m not in the right headspace to receive it. (I’m currently reading The Song of Achilles—why did I do this to myself?)
Several months ago, in an effort to read more without losing my enjoyment for it, I created a tagging system called Book Seasons.
The Book Seasons System
❄️ Winter = introspection, learning, darkness, quiet solitude, nonfiction or memoirs
🌱 Spring = hope, the promise of more, bittersweet, romance or comedies
⛱️ Summer = chaotic, fast-paced, fun-focused, thrillers, fantasy and adventure
🍂 Fall = foreboding, tense, anxiety-inducing, mysteries, horror and suspense
*It’s not all-inclusive, but you get the gist.
I wonder if this cyclical labeling system could be used for those struggling with emotional dysregulation…? 🤔
My mind and ability to focus have been strictly in Summer this week.
SIDE NOTE: I sometimes struggle with alexithymia (I think), and the idea of saying “I’m feeling very Wintry right now” might be easier than pinpointing a specific emotion. There’s also potential here to prescribe more effective systems and tools if we can bette identify where we’re at emotionally. If I find success with this, I’ll write a more detailed edition on my experiment!
🌸 Song of the Week
It’s no longer March, but it’s still Spring! This song is such a beautiful reminder of the wonders of life and just oh so hopeful. I hope you love it as much as I do.
Waters of March by Susannah McCorkle’s
(⬆️ This link goes to Spotify. Sorry Apple Music lovers!)
I love the idea of books being categorized by seasonal mood. Love the song suggestion, her style reminds me a bit of Suzanne Vega. The Solitude Standing album is one of my favorites.